But the post is not really about Belgrade. It is about a conversation (more like an email exchange) I had with a fellow blogger. He is happily partnered (as happy as a gay man can be) yet he is still searching...he’s still playing with fire...he’s flirting...pushing the boundaries...trying to fuck it all up. I am not judging him. I do it all the time. We all do.
Not just gay men...humans. We fear getting what we always want or we are never really happy with what we have...we want a bigger car, a bigger house, more money, bigger dick. When we get the boyfriend...we still wonder if there is a better model out there. Maybe a younger one? Relationships break up because we keep searching...we get bored. Society is about change...newer...better...bigger. So we trade up.
I was lost...unhappy in Sydney. My life revolved around a man hunt. I figured that if I found a relationship...a man who loved me back my life would be complete. It was the magical words I needed to hear. “I love you.” That would fix everything. The search would be over. The truth is probably that would not make me happy. I’d be thinking if he was the right one...if I could do better...I would try to fuck it up.
The last three months, I’ve been looking inward. I’ve been in touch with me...building a relationship that does not revolve around another man...finding a man...dating....and I’ve never been happier. I’ve also met more potential partners in three months than I did in three years in Sydney. Why? Cause I’m doing things that actually bring my pleasure and satisfaction. I’m studying..learning... I am doing things that bring me joy, passion, love...travel, food, history, museums. I’m taking chances....being alone in the world is not so bad. It is not so scary.
I’ve also learned to count my blessings. Seeing other people in other countries...living differently to me has taught me that I’m very lucky. I get to see the differences...to be thankful for what I have...which I never did before. The glass is always half full....I need to stop focusing on what I lack and see what I do have...
In getting lost I found myself. And it is a great feeling. To know that I can be alone...and still be happy. To find pleasure in little things...like eating pasta or learning a sentence in Italian. That life is more than the next shag (nothing wrong with that) or finding a partner..or the next dance party... I realised I was in a toxic cycle of man hunting that was just leading me nowhere and making me depressed.
So now I need to find out how to keep that going...a change of scenery is very important. The next is to keep doing those things that I am passionate about - without focusing on the gay dating- manhunt aspect. Time changes everything..but sometimes you have to speed up those changes. Jump in the hope that everything will be ok...and if you have faith in yourself everything will be ok.